I wish it didn't come to this.

All those happy months we spent together were great. I don't feel at peace. I know things are different between us. I wish it wasn't. I wish none of that happened. I wish I could change things.

It's funny how deeply one person can impact your life. One moment of sadness is able to overcome months and months of happiness. I had so many dreams about us. Just a few days before you came to me I dreamt of us together. I was in your arms. We were happier than we had ever been. What a change huh. Ha.

I feel unsettled. I'm sad, but I'm not sure why it's overpowered so greatly by this happiness. This happiness doesn't feel true. It's not like the happiness we used to have. I feel like I need to pry out the drowning sadness and let it all out. I feel like all this happiness is just denial. Why is this so hard? Is it hard to accept or easy to deny?

Why is it so easy for someone to make me feel like crap. It's easy for people to tell me I'm boring. I'm unapproachable, shy, insecure, incapable.

You were the only one that overlooked my ugliness. The only one that completely understood me. You were perfect. You were more than anything I deserved. You were so close but I couldn't have ever had you.

Everyone wants to be loved back.
What happened to us?

Back to my Kingdom

I feel like blogging today. I don't have anything interesting to talk about in particular, but I just feel like blogging today. It's a chilly, rainy, summer day here in Sydney today. Maybe that has brought the mood down, for me.

I feel sad today, I don't know why. Miserable. Feel sorta useless, unaccomplished, uninteresting, sorta silly. I feel like I lead two very different lives. One in Singapore - a lot livelier, a lot more busy simply just meeting up with friends, catching up with the relatives; hearing the familiar clashing of mahjong tiles; feeling appreciated, special. In Sydney it's like a 180 degree turn, it's completely different. Very few friends, a lot less outings, I feel scared in my own skin. I'm afraid, of what? The overwhelming people? The streets that I'm already familiar with? The fear that people that probably won't remember me will judge me? Why am I crawling back into my shell? I was completely out of the shell, I was happy, comfortable, felt okay. Where did all of that go?

Every trip that I return it always hits me how different my life would be if I stayed. What if I did stay? I hate leaving. I had good friends, good family, good life. What happened?
Maybe I shouldn't compare because all in all it is different. Completely different.

I hope when uni starts everything will be better.

Formal

I still prefer the term Prom, but heck since i'm in Australia may as well adapt to that. Hahaha.
So yesterday I jumped outta bed around 10am, got all ready, sat home watching the American Music Awards whilst waiting to meet Suzy at 2.30pm. Got my necklace, then when by Adam's workplace to see him on his first day. :) Suzy and I got our hair done at about 3 and then headed off to Darling Harbour at 4. Initially wanted my hair to be a simple high, straight ponytail with a bump at the top, but I got convinced by the nice hairdresser lady that I should have curls since I've never had for it before, and I agree it looked a lot better. As we were walking to the hotel I suddenly realised something terrible.. I forgot my ticket! But it was all good, Adam managed to pick it up from my mom (thank god). So we met Toby, Ray and William at the hotel place, then started getting ready: ironing dresses and putting on makeup. Adam swung by the hotel a bit early at 6.30. I couldn't find him at first, I walked out of the hotel with the boys who met up with Jason and Anthony, and then I walked back inside. I turned around and there he was in his lovely grey suit, approached me with a smile, with the yellow-red corsage in his hands. He told me i looked amazing :') and proceeded to put the corsage on my hand. Headed to the blue bmw that his mom was driving, and he opened the door for me (feels weird to be treated extra nice! haha). We were sorta early but I think we took a wrong turn so we completely missed the point of an entrance as we ended up getting out of the nice car and walking. Hahaha. Several other early birds were there including Harrison, Ofir and Pam Wu, so we made some small talk. Awhile later we were allowed into the lounge room, but first being scanned for metals and being breathalyzed. Probably waited around for an hour or more, then entered the ballroom around 8pm i guess.


The people at our table included: Suzy, Toby, Adam and I, Rachel, Ray, Jason and William. 3 main meals were served but to be honest they could have done a lot better. The entree consisted of prawns and avocado, the main meal had chicken, asparagus and two rice cakes. For dessert they served chocolate cupcakes. Considering we paid $110 each and chicken isn't expensive, they really could have done better. I suppose the money went to paying for a DJ and the waiters/waitresses and cooks. As we were given desert, Sam and Jordan gave out the funny awards - e.g. most likely to end up in hospital, worst drunk, most likely to get married, best genes, best eyebrows, the 'Jock', most inappropriate... etc. In my opinion, it was kinda exclusive because all these awards were given out to the people within their social group. They didn't really think about the year in general and especially since the awards were limited, the useless ones should have been changed to something else for another person.


Anyways, around 9ish after desert and awards the music was cranked up and people started dancing. Suzy and Toby left kind of early, but the rest of us stayed till about 11.30. Played with the helium balloons with Besi and a couple of other people, awkwardly stood on the dancefloor trying to dance hahahaha and we watched the cute teachers dance. :) OH and we dared Rachel and Ray to kiss, since Rach was unwilling Harrison kissed Ofir on the lips so that they would do it, and eventually Ray kissed Rach on the cheek. Adam kissed me on the cheek when he was dared to, it wasn't that much of a big deal for the two of us. Haha. :P And Ray kissed Harrison on the lips wtf?! hahaha such a weird night


So yeah Ray, Rachel, Adam and I caught a cab back to Suzy's hotel at around 11.30. Sat around, talked a bit, played spin the bottle (truth/dare) and Ray had to kiss Rachel again (which he did willingly), and Will kissed me on the cheek. I think truth or dare has lost its value. Haha. All we used to do was to dare someone to shout out the window or smell somebody's foot (dawn's party anyone?), and now that we're all 'grown up' its just kissing! Anyways, Adam's mom drove round to pick us up at 1am, and that's the end of the night. :)

Formal

I still prefer the term Prom, but heck since i'm in Australia may as well adapt to that. Hahaha.
So yesterday I jumped outta bed around 10am, got all ready, sat home watching the American Music Awards whilst waiting to meet Suzy at 2.30pm. Got my necklace, then when by Adam's workplace to see him on his first day. :) Suzy and I got our hair done at about 3 and then headed off to Darling Harbour at 4. Initially wanted my hair to be a simple high, straight ponytail with a bump at the top, but I got convinced by the nice hairdresser lady that I should have curls since I've never had for it before, and I agree it looked a lot better. As we were walking to the hotel I suddenly realised something terrible.. I forgot my ticket! But it was all good, Adam managed to pick it up from my mom (thank god). So we met Toby, Ray and William at the hotel place, then started getting ready: ironing dresses and putting on makeup. Adam swung by the hotel a bit early at 6.30. I couldn't find him at first, I walked out of the hotel with the boys who met up with Jason and Anthony, and then I walked back inside. I turned around and there he was in his lovely grey suit, approached me with a smile, with the yellow-red corsage in his hands. He told me i looked amazing :') and proceeded to put the corsage on my hand. Headed to the blue bmw that his mom was driving, and he opened the door for me (feels weird to be treated extra nice! haha). We were sorta early but I think we took a wrong turn so we completely missed the point of an entrance as we ended up getting out of the nice car and walking. Hahaha. Several other early birds were there including Harrison, Ofir and Pam Wu, so we made some small talk. Awhile later we were allowed into the lounge room, but first being scanned for metals and being breathalyzed. Probably waited around for an hour or more, then entered the ballroom around 8pm i guess.

The people at our table included: Suzy, Toby, Adam and I, Rachel, Ray, Jason and William. 3 main meals were served but to be honest they could have done a lot better. The entree consisted of prawns and avocado, the main meal had chicken, asparagus and two rice cakes. For dessert they served chocolate cupcakes. Considering we paid $110 each and chicken isn't expensive, they really could have done better. I suppose the money went to paying for a DJ and the waiters/waitresses and cooks. As we were given desert, Sam and Jordan gave out the funny awards - e.g. most likely to end up in hospital, worst drunk, most likely to get married, best genes, best eyebrows, the 'Jock', most inappropriate... etc. In my opinion, it was kinda exclusive because all these awards were given out to the people within their social group. They didn't really think about the year in general and especially since the awards were limited, the useless ones should have been changed to something else for another person.

Anyways, around 9ish after desert and awards the music was cranked up and people started dancing. Suzy and Toby left kind of early, but the rest of us stayed till about 11.30. Played with the helium balloons with Besi and a couple of other people, awkwardly stood on the dancefloor trying to dance hahahaha and we watched the cute teachers dance. :) OH and we dared Rachel and Ray to kiss, since Rach was unwilling Harrison kissed Ofir on the lips so that they would do it, and eventually Ray kissed Rach on the cheek. Adam kissed me on the cheek when he was dared to, it wasn't that much of a big deal for the two of us. Haha. :P And Ray kissed Harrison on the lips wtf?! hahaha such a weird night

So yeah Ray, Rachel, Adam and I caught a cab back to Suzy's hotel at around 11.30. Sat around, talked a bit, played spin the bottle (truth/dare) and Ray had to kiss Rachel again (which he did willingly), and Will kissed me on the cheek. I think truth or dare has lost its value. Haha. All we used to do was to dare someone to shout out the window or smell somebody's foot (dawn's party anyone?), and now that we're all 'grown up' its just kissing! Anyways, Adam's mom drove round to pick us up at 1am, and that's the end of the night. :)

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand.

I do wonder if you think about the things I think about. I never want to hear you talking about leaving. For a person like you, who has moved around so much and dealt with so much separation, I suppose you don't know how much it would hurt for a person like me. You revolve around everything I do. I don't know what else this place means without you. I should probably learn to slowly detach myself from you, but the sooner that you are going to leave the more time I want to spend with you. It feels like after this, I won't see you anymore. I know that's silly, but it does genuinely feel like that. When you say 'settle down' over there, it's like you wanna forget everything else in your past, start anew over there and slowly adapt to it. I don't wanna be like your other best friends that are forgotten once you move. I don't wanna move on without telling you every little detail of new experiences, new people, new places. I wish you could stay. I know you can't.  What if you never come back? Not even to visit. You don't have much reason to come back. I don't think I'm a suffice reason. What about all your future plans? All the ones you told me about. The little details. What if you meet a new person? If she's everything you ever wanted, everything you always told me about. You could live out your life where you wished, it would work out perfectly for you. What if, despite what you said about marriage and kids, it worked out for you? What if I never find anyone else like you? What if again I return to the unfamiliar feeling of the frightening new places? Where will you be? When you're over there, will you forget my presence? Will you remember all the fun times we had? Will you remember about the plans we had for our own futures?


You. No one else. There is no one else like you. Not one that vaguely resembles you, your personality. You are honestly one of a kind. Nobody else sharing the same enthusiasm for animals as I. Nobody else like you as interested and excited when it comes to science. Nobody else feels the same passiveness to the foreboding, scary world. I don't know what to be without you around. This place seems so much more scary without you. The thought of being without you is scary. I'll miss you. Your hugs, your hopes, your happiness. I'll miss your presence. Your blue eyes, my favourite colour. I'll miss the laughs we shared. We almost always never fail to have a good time. We never have awkward silences. We never fought. I wish the past few years went by slower. The thought of you leaving never left my head. Now that the thought is turning into reality it is ever more daunting.


Don't leave.

So we graduated last Wednesday.. A bit late to post. Hahaha better than nothing.
Caught the bus and met Suzy and Toby on it, then met Adam while walking up the hill. Adam and I got our shirts signed by all our teachers and a couple of friends. I miss Ms Andre's chem class.. ): She was telling the year about how she loved our year 11 chem class the most and she misses being a chem teacher instead of a vp.
Oh and a couple of guys from our year turned up to school with like 200 goon sacks tied together and ran around the place but bolted when Ms Andre arrived.
We headed for the beach after we got all our shirts signed. Gary was so nice, driving everyone there :)
It was a nice day, but we didn't really do much. There were a lot of people there that we didn't really affiliate with (a lot of them got really drunk..) so we went around the shops, got some food, slurpees.. etc.
Adam and I left pretty early and he came over to mine for awhile.

His mom fetched my mom and I around 6.30pm to go to the graduation ceremony together. I'm so surprised I got an honours award! (I really don't know what that is based on, but 12 people got it) And Adam got a Richard Anderson award for Art! (don't really know what that is either.. haha but he's the only one that got it out of 2 Art classes!) There were a couple of performances by my wonderfully talented schoolmates :) And Campbell made a absolutely wonderful and entertaining valedictorian speech, boy that kid can write. He started off by talking about the board of studies, then moved on to talk about how they made us learn about belonging and towards the end he went on to talk about longing to be. Hahaha. You had to be there, it was awesome. I'm jealous about how talented he is, he got so many awards.. pretty much one award for each subject, and for being school captain, and for contributing to the school.. wow.

Anyway the graduation ceremony ended at around 9pm. I've been cooped up at home trying to study ever since, but haven't gotten very far. I don't know why its so hard for me to concentrate. Right now I should be doing my english essay instead of typing up this seemingly useless post and telling myself 'its for the memories'. So off I should go, I should go off.

Piano recital

Went to watch a piano recital for the first time with Adam and the moms. The pianist is polish and he was playing some compositions by a few famous polish composers, including Chopin. For the most I enjoyed it, but some parts made me remember why I hate playing classical music because sometimes it seems like you're just nonsensically pounding on the keys. For the more enjoyable parts that I paid more attention to, I could see how dedicated and focused he was simply from the movements of his eyebrows. I also noticed several other people, who probably fantastic musicians, that were gently swaying their heads with their eyes closed in sync with the music. They probably thoroughly appreciated and enjoyed it. Haha I find it a little hard to appreciate classical music well enough. Had Pancakes On The Rocks for a late dinner at around 10. Got home at 12. :)


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To celebrate my birthday, on Friday the few of us went bowling after our chem paper: Adam, Suzy, Toby, Tooka, Rachel and Henry. We met up around 5ish, we had some nachos and played 2 games of bowling. Then we had some fun playing with the mini arcade that they had at the alley. :)

Saturday the moms, me and Adam went to walk Nala at centennial. Heheheee was really fun with all these dogs coming up to us :) yesterday we caught rise of the planet of the apes which was pretty good I reckon! Few loopholes though haha. :P

Having the last 5 weeks of school.. Gosh I can't imagine that our last rollcall is coming so soon. Always thought it would be a lot later. Wow graduating soon. On one hand it's exciting to finish high school and movie on to uni, as well as going to formal (prom). But on the other hand everyone is going different ways for sure. There's a lot less chance that you'd have people going to the same course as you. Three more months and goodbye high school! I think I'll miss it.


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