I like me better when I'm with you

This year may just be simultaneously the worst and best year I've had. I'm so glad I found you. As soon as we met it felt like time slowed down. Everything in my life took on a different perspective, a brighter one. I've grown so much in the last few months. I beat myself up, I stopped giving a fuck, I learned my own value, and I found my ability to love again. I've never been more excited for the future.

I couldn't ask anything more of you than what you are now. In no way do I doubt that you value, appreciate and love me in my weird, silly, entirety. From sheltering me from the vehicles when we walk on the pavement, to an extended gaze into my eyes as you brush my cheek, to saying "you're amazing" at all the weird and funny things I do, to fighting to tickle each other and win at "I love you most". You are so wonderful, and I'll never stop saying that. I love your goofiness, your kindness, your patience, and your values. It feels like we've aligned in every regard. I've always counted my blessings and it finally feels like it's actually worth it this time.

You've been a listening ear for when I felt like shit, and just talking to you made me happy again. Even before we were together I told you that just talking to you made me really happy, and that is still how it is now. I love talking to you, I love being weird and sharing tales of our adventures.

After our first date, when you texted me saying how you had ranted to Daniel all evening about how interesting, funny, smart and beautiful I was, I kept reading that over and over again for days. I had never been convinced that I was any of that to anyone.

When I was at volleyball and having anxiety seeing all those people there, just reading your text "hey, you've got this" calmed me down so much. I've never met any boy who got so tongue tied because they were nervous to talk to me. I've always been the one to be nervous and anxious, but I felt immediately comfortable around you. I feel like I can completely be myself, and I feel respected, appreciated.

It feels so odd that it's only been a month, cause it feels like I've known you forever. It feels like this is exactly how it should be. Comfortable, fun, loving, equal, perfect. In this moment we are perfect.

It feels so surreal. I love you so much (most), my little moa.

Time conquers all

I'll remember who I am.

It has taken almost three months but I've found my self-worth again. The death grip by your ghost onto my self validation has finally disappeared. I am so much more than you ever gave me credit for. I was patient, I was loving, I was trusting, and I gave you 110%. You certainly didn't deserve it, and I was too blind to see it. It was so blatantly obvious as soon as I stopped loving you.

Our relationship was all about you. There was a part of me that would have persevered through it all. Everything we ever did always revolved around you and your career. In the first year, sure, I felt like you actually loved me. You didn't set aside time to just spend with me, it was only ever at your convenience. I guess the sad part of it was that I thought this was all there was to a relationship. That's not what I want. I want someone to spend valentines with and someone who would actually remember and bother with anniversaries. I want to feel special, I want to feel appreciated. Our relationship will always mean more to me than it will to you, because you were my first. I can't help but feeling disappointed walking away from this relationship because I expected so much more from you. I was in it for the long haul.

I am still the same person. I always have been. "What do you look for in a partner?" I still say the same thing. I want to be with someone that inspires me. That still rings true for me. I want to be with someone that will motivate me to be better every day. I'll be honest here, part of me knew that wasn't true when I wrote that to you. I didn't feel as strongly for you as I did for someone else all those years ago. I want to be with someone who will be loyal, emotionally and physically. And that is not too much to ask for.

I guess in a twisted way you also taught me a lot about myself. I think I admired you because of the qualities that I wanted in myself. I wanted that confidence and intelligence. I wanted to be well-spoken and fearless. Perhaps I was chasing older ghosts, that I thought you could replace. But I am learning that everyone is different and special, I understand now. I thought it was just something people said so that each person could feel unique in this world.

It speaks volumes that people that barely know me show me more concern and love than you did. So many people remind me that I am beautiful, I am amazing, and any guy would be lucky to have me. You gave up something good but I guess I would have been stuck in a relationship I didn't deserve, and god knows how long I would've endured it for.

I hope you've found your happiness.

I remember who I am again.

Sink, or swim?

"Keep moving forward". Because you have been. Your soft, green eyes locked onto mine as they drifted further from shore. I stayed still, so I wouldn't disturb the water. I tried to pull you back from where I was. The waves clung onto you, holding you under till you begged for air, over and over again. I called out for you in desperation and fear. I would have jumped in and swam to you. But how can you save someone that does not want to be saved? Each time you resurfaced you lost a part of yourself. Inevitably, you let go. You let the waves take you away. The water calmed, and you were alive. And there I stood, still on shore. I looked at you only with affectionate eyes, and watched you drift further into the horizon, hoping the waves would bring you back one day. You left me on an island of the memories of us. I chase the ghosts of what we used to be, clinging onto any semblance of human emotions. I'll pretend the ghosts are real, they haunt me anyway. The ghosts that spoke of the future, they remind me what it was to love and be loved, to be treasured, to be a safety net. They comfort me. They wipe away the tears. How long can I stay here?

They'll remind me that I am human. I am vulnerable. And most of all, I am sad. They are the silence that chews through my raw flesh every morning. They are the pavements I walk upon and the dull reflection that stares back at me. They mock me, laughing at my anxiety. They'll turn me into a cynic. They'll turn the sadness and disappointment into anger and bitterness. They'll remind me every day, to force myself to rebuild my own island in the void.

They'll destroy me.

I think it's my turn to let the current take me where I need to go. The waves are calling to me.

Then the fog clears and I realise the axis has flipped.

It is I who is drowning.

Of all the weapons you fight with, your silence is the most violent.

Change is truly the only constant. Here we are, at our chaotic, fatalistic end. And there was nothing I could do about it. After all that time I spent alone I knew that if I had ever gotten into a relationship I'd cherish him like hell. I'd push, I'd fight, and we'd be okay cause we had each other. We could compromise, we could adjust. We could overcome anything.

And I never saw this coming. I was in some sick delusion, denial, that everything was going to be alright and things were getting better. I knew that things were getting rocky but I kept telling myself that I had to be strong, I had to fight and show him I deserve him. The voices kept telling me that you'd be better off with someone in your field because you're so passionate about it, and I don't share the same enthusiasm. I could never be there for you like you were for me. It was a constant battle and I still ended up the loser.

I tried. I'm sorry. I know many factors came into play. I know we're probably better off this way. And I was selfish to try and make you stay. I just wanted to fight for my own happiness. But you need to fight for yours too. I know it would've hurt either way, even if I saw more value in myself.

The thing is, I did see value in myself. Because you were there, you were a safety net, you were a pillar of support and I didn't need anyone else. I didn't care what they thought of me as long as at the end of the day I could come back to you, and know that I was safe in your comfort. As soon as you started drifting my self doubt snowballed. I kept thinking I wasn't good enough because I didn't share your enthusiasm. I kept thinking I wasn't good enough because you started to like someone else. I kept thinking I wasn't good enough because I couldn't get you to stay.

I keep thinking about the Valentine's letter I gave you, how you moved it. You couldn't face the fact that I could've loved you, always.

"Where will you be in the future?"

I have never had an answer to this question. It's just, different. How could I possibly choose between my family and hometown, and this now not-so-foreign land? It's been long enough that I've become a stranger in my own city. Reality is always going to change, whether I like it or not. I guess I was blinded by the misery I was feeling in school all those years ago before I left, to truly appreciate all that I did have around me. Who knew, eight years down the road, that I'd be this conflicted? It hit me like a train. I didn't think I'd feel lonely in my own hometown. Of course my best friends try as hard as they can, and I understand. I don't know why there is a hurricane inside of me.

What if I haven't made up my mind four years from now? The answer has been the same the past seven, eight years: I don't know where I'll be. What if you are all that it comes down to? I have no clue what I'd do. Long distance would be a struggle, but we could make it work. Who knows what the next four years has planned for us. Four years is a long time. One thing I do know is I don't want to leave you.

Perhaps I should stop worrying about the future and live in the present, here with the people right now that love me. Why dwell over the past or worry about the future when I'm here in this moment? Don't let doubt take over, everything will be okay, no matter what happens in the future. As I've said to people before, what happens right now is just part of your story. You write your own chapters. Whatever happens, happens. When a chapter ends, it's simply the start of another chapter. Some chapters end in sadness, and that's okay, because peaks and valleys are bound to occur. Happiness will find it's way to you eventually. I know some people have clearly defined goals in their life and you don't, it's okay. You'll find your way some day. It's okay to let the current take over. Don't let your doubts change the way you let people into your life. Don't put up walls around yourself and don't for a second, think of the negative things that could happen down the line. You're here now. Give it your god damn all.

Don't be afraid.

You'll be okay.

2015 was great to me

Honours is over. Two months of non-stop slavery. Weekdays, weekends, 14-hour work days, staying in the lab till midnight. Crying over silly mistakes that put me back a few hours. Spilling samples and being incredibly upset and angry with myself. Everything boiling down to getting iTRAQ to work for all the painful hours I spent in the lab, and having it not work. Presenting what? Work that had already been done before, and not even presenting the focus of my research. Finally getting results, albeit a lot less accurate, but getting something tangible. 52 hours of productivity logged in the final week. Hah. 2 hours of sleep on the final submission day. Printing just half an hour before it was due. And here I am. With novel results that may be published. I didn't even think that I'd get here. I didn't even consider the possibility of my work being published.

Here I am with a year's worth of labour, with something tangible that I can take away. I've gained so much knowledge and experience that I don't think I could've achieved elsewhere. Of all the choices I've made in my life I am so so happy I made this one, to do honours work in an entirely different field, out of the scope of vet science, because it has taught me so much.

Science is an enormous field and it continues to grow every day, every month, every year. Even though my contribution to science is minuscule, and probably doesn't even make a scratch to our understanding of how living things function, I'm glad I can make a contribution of some kind. Perhaps that is what keeps the passion going. That we are on a never-ending journey with a thirst for knowledge about how organisms function, and understand how, as impossible as it seems, that we could come to be.

Of all things that happened in 2015 I'm glad that you were there through thick and thin. 2015 has been a good, solid year. Both painful and incredibly joyful, and I don't think I would've nearly enjoyed it as much if you weren't around (especially towards the end, I was on struggle street for awhile). Although it's been a bit over six months now, it's still relatively early into the relationship, I think I get it now. All those years I waited for someone to look at me how your eyes do, and for me to feel the same way. I didn't have the slightest idea that you were just around the corner (physically, temporally, and in pun) when 2015 begun. When I said "sure" when you asked me out, I barely knew you then. Didn't even know about your previous relationships but I found no reason to say no at all. We got along well, had similar interests, and I was comfortable around you (probably your psychological mind games you used to get me to like you, hahaha). I think I get it now because I've finally experienced what it's like to be in a relationship, and it's different to what I thought it would be. It's not just running into warm hugs and having a hand to hold. It's understanding and adapting to your partner, it's planning for the near and not-so-near future, it's being afraid to lose them. If the thought of losing them makes your eyes well up and your lips quiver, then you know its real.

Sometimes I get an aching worry that we might go our separate ways. What if we get too busy with our own lives? I don't think we'll ever get as much free time as we have right now, right before I start my PhD and you start your MD. But I'll continue doing my part, que sera sera. Maybe you will still be here 10, 20 years down the road. All I know is that you've become something I'm afraid to lose, and though I'm terrified, I've never felt more human. Thank you for being you, and for the world to align for the two of us.

-

I don't know why I've delayed finishing this post. I wanted to write down the wave of emotions I felt during honours, and talk about you. I guess all I've known is how to write from the heart out of sorrow and loneliness but never so eloquently for happiness. True, pure, happiness. I think time away from you has really led me to appreciate you. And it's finally sunken in! The first time I was talking about you to someone else in Singapore it felt really odd to refer to you as "my boyfriend". Took like six months to truly sink in but whatever, hahaha. What I really wanna capture, while we're still in our " early phase", is how it feels. And I don't think I've done it well enough. When I look back, I wanna remember how it felt when we first got together, how I finally got to see your beautiful eyes when you returned from Canada, and how comfortable we got around each other.

It's wonderful how everything just fell into place. I chose a project out of my scope on a whim, and landed in the building you may not even have been in. You, being the social little creature you are, happened to be good friends with PJ. I don't think I'll forget that evening we were properly introduced. Nina and Peej left just moments before me, and when I went downstairs I saw the two of them ahead of me, so I chased after them. I ran past you, and for some unknown reason you were just extremely familiar to me. You were in my first year classes but I never paid much attention and didn't even remember. Maybe it was a weird kind of premonition that we'd end up as best friends and lovers (still feels weird to say that). I don't know why, but I immediately felt comfortable around you. I only really got to know you on that day I volunteered for your study. I remember the shitty mismatched outfit I was wearing that day, my crappy vans. We seemed to click really easily, or maybe you just have the excellent social skills that I lack. While waiting for the GT3X (I swear I listen to you, fitbit fitbit fitbit something sometimes maybe Garmin? ;)) to charge we sat in the tea room and somehow got onto the topic of relationships. To this day, I still believe that you should be with someone that inspires you.

I remember I hit 420 for one of the numbers on your clipboard during the run and went "ayyy", and you laughed and said "I like you". And later we raced each other down the CPC stairs even though everyone was watching, that was such a fun day :-) I remember laughing till I cried when you saw someone from your floor in the lift and said "guess she's not H to the izzo, B to the izzay" while I was shoving pastries up my mouth. I remember how hard we laughed when we were cutting the labels for your email and the serial code for the fitbits, how I kept cutting them too finely, and when you shat yourself when I told you "wrong bin". I remember that first awkward kiss when you got back from Canada and I walked your jet-lagged body to your front door. I remember that initial shy stage, when Steven asked me if we were dating while you were on your trip, and how Justin was asking you to introduce me to your floor because I became a familiar face.

You always say that puberty treated me well. I guess only a few people really understood how much of a struggle it was to live with bad skin. When I had my horrible outbreaks I didn't think anyone would think I was pretty. How could I compare to everyone else at school? These girls were flawless, and some were even incredibly smart. I've always felt mediocre at everything.
"Girls shouldn't have bad skin"
"Do you even wash your face? How often?"
"What do you eat? Cut down on oily food and sugar"
It was never in my control, it was just puberty. Now I have my battle scars and I have you. The you that kisses away the scars and doesn't give two shits about stretch marks or my belly. The you that constantly reminds me that I'm beautiful, inside and out. The you that patiently waited for me throughout honours and held me when things got tough.

You motivate me to be better everyday. You give me the kind of love that nurtures. It's funny that you live your whole life alone till one day you meet someone that changes it all. You thought you were independent and ready to face the world till someone walks into your life and shows you the best you can be. I look forward to more good mornings and good nights with you, and I don't wanna stop growing with you. I love you very much, happy (belated) valentines day.

P.S. Its funny that you're my first real boyfriend and I'm not even there for our first valentines. Hahahaha sorry babe!

Human

Blue, the colour of your eyes,
Dulls, as the fire in you dies.
There's a familiarity in your tears,
Sometimes you gotta face your fears.

I try everyday to get you to leave,
Memories of you have been a disease.
Reminding me what we used to be,
Is people, places, faces, traces.

Traces of you, everywhere,
The smell of death in the air.
Three years on,
How have you been gone for this long?

I remember the way you laughed,
Pure and true,
As we watched our favourite shows,
Just me and you.

I remember the shape of your hands,
The fingers I traced.
So beautiful and elegant,
The art that it graced.

I remember your passion,
For many, many things.
All that interested you,
I tried to be interested too.

I don't remember who I was,
I don't know what I've become.
Nuturing the ghost of you,
How did I come so undone?

You are the sounds that follow me home,
The shadows that linger, the voice in my head.
What if our roles
Were reversed instead?

What if I was the one,
That left you in a mess?
What if I was the one,
That missed you less?

Would I have seeped into the music?
Would I have crawled under your skin?
Would I have fought my way into your head?
Would it be a war you'd never win?

Would you fight the battle?
Would you live in denial?
Would you choose to fade into the dark?
Would I have made a single mark?

I wait for the day that your ghost disappears,
The day that I have different fears.
I wait for the day someone makes me feel alive,
The day that someone else will arrive.

They say time conquers all,
"Your counterpart is looking for you too".
Maybe one day I'll stand tall,
Next to someone like you.

Maybe one day all that you'll be,
Is just but a faded memory to me.